Friends, I need your help. I'm feeling a little desparate right now. I have a 17 year old daughter who has?

always been the joy of my life. We have been best friends since the day she was born. She was the perfect baby, a joyful toddler, an obedient, loving child and an amazing teenager. The problem is that when she turned 17 some switch flipped in her brain. She is rebelling (attitude-wise). While she's always been a home-body and has loved spending time with her family, now she is pulling away. She is ALWAYS gone and refuses to be home when her dad is home. She WILL NOT take part in family activities and states that she wants to move out of the house the minute she turns 18. Her attitude is horrible. She is rude, snippy, intolerant of anything anyone else does and has a huge sense of entitlement. She says the rebellion is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. I would almost bet my life that she is not doing drugs or drinking. She has been raised in a happy Latter-day Saint home, but don't think for a minute that I'm naive enough to believe that this couldn't happen in my home.





Additionally, she refuses to go to family therapy and states that she's sick and tired of pretending to be a family. While the rest of us realize that all families have issues and we feel that our family is worth fighting and working for, she refuses to have any part in making things better. Mind you, we've always been a close-knit, happy family, but we're normal, too.





Now, here's some background. We have been a happy family all her life. However, my husband's father died 2 1/2 years ago. Since then my husband has been very depressed and withdrawn. He reached a critical point about a month ago and left for a day -- he went and stayed in a hotel. My daughter CANNOT forgive him for that and says that there are just 2 things you don't do in this life -- commit suicide and leave your family. She says her father is dead to her.





How can we get through to her? We've thought about just letting her go and do whatever she wants to do. After all, we don't really have any control over other people unless they CHOOSE to let us have that control.





We've thought about just really coming down hard on her and INSISTING that she participate in family activities, but we're afraid that this would just cause further rebellion.





Any light you can shed on this subject would be greatly appreciated.Friends, I need your help. I'm feeling a little desparate right now. I have a 17 year old daughter who has?
SORRY IN advance for it being so long:





When you first began describing your daughter's recent attitude and emotional changes I wondered if it were perhaps MY daughter living with you! I have 4 kids who are now 15, 18, 20 %26amp; 21.(3 girls one boy) All of the girls hit that emotional CHANGE when they were around 15 and became different creatures - hardly recognizable to their former loving, kind, affectionate selves. A bit rebellious, never wanting to be with family anymore, wanting to APPEAR not to need or want us, negative, hateful, disrespectful, losing interest in church, family, values, rude, mouthy, moody - DOEs this feel familiar? This IS how normal teenagers DO act sometimes and it doesn't mean all is lost. HOWEVER,..... how you as parents decide to handle it when this happens will be KEY to how she comes out of it in the long run.





Our 20 y/o has been the most difficult in our household (all still live at home right now by the way). BUT unlike the others, because of her personality we ';THOUGHT'; we were doing the right thing by allowing her the freedom to chose for herself at 15 when she didn't want to go to seminary or church anymore, when she wanted to isolate herself from us at home, be off with friends instead of us all the time etc., etc.... well if hindsight is truly 20/20 then we made the WRONG choice as her parents to give her THAT much freedom of choice.





I have come to personally believe that although Heavenly Father does give His children free agency in this life and it is a wonderful and important gift %26amp; responsibility - as earthly parents we SHOULD NOT extend that same free gift to our children while they are young, impressionable, floundering, emotional, moody, hormonal YOUTH! This daughter's life, self esteem, testimony, faith, positive attitude, warm heart, love of people and life, has to this day NEVER recovered from those years and we continue to pay the price and see HER pay it each and every day. It is one of the few things in life I regret as I see her still struggling and I must assume some of the blame for that as her parent.





My advise would be to find some moderate middle ground with her. DON'T cut that apron string quite yet because as much as she HOLLERS at you that she wants it cut and severed forever - I THINK INSIDE she is just hollering too that she needs your home %26amp; family as much as ever if not more but can't say it, express it or even truly recognize it herself right now. I think keeping a steady consistent and habitual PATH in your home with regard to expectations, choices %26amp; consequences, accountability and boundaries is the ONLY THING that will help her RIDE THROUGH this rought spot. YOUR daughter is still in there somewhere but has just lost sight of herself for a time - I know you won't give up on her because of your boundless love for her - BUT DON'T LET GO, don't give IN thinking you are doing her any favors or helping her by give her lead rope because she WILL hang herself with it (proverbial speaking).....





I think she/they need a modicum degree of space as YOUTH but they still need that steady, sure foundation and anchor that your home %26amp; family will provide as they sail these kinds of rough years. They need unconditional love and acceptance tempered with realistic responsibilities, guidelines and well used freedoms for independance. Don't give in to the mentality of the world %26lt;which she is facing in herself%26gt; to let it go, allow a little more freedom, don't give consequences, don't stand up to her etc - I have come to believe that doing that is what made us lose our daughter. I can never take it back or change those years and SHE can't either! : ( YOU are after all the parent and adult here and she thinks she doesn't need you - but she does need your wisdom and mature long term perspective. you are her Lighthouse right now - be sure, steady, positive, advise giving, truth telling!





I hope this helps you a little.... God Bless you and your family and hang in there with especially focused faith %26amp; prayers and make her HANG ON TOO!Friends, I need your help. I'm feeling a little desparate right now. I have a 17 year old daughter who has?
maybe because of the friends she's hanging out with ?
(not my account)





I'm 17 years old and I get the rebellious streak thing. We need our independence, I hate the way my mom keeps babying me like I'm a 7 year old - I'm not! And about her father leaving for a day - I don't see my father for months on end, he randomly leaves - but I would never ever say he's dead to me.
Do not just assume your daughter is not experimenting with anything. Maybe you should sit her down and have a straight forward talk with her, just in case?


There must be a reality check. So that when she makes mistakes, she will know what to do. That's “if” she make mistakes, but “when.”


Rebelling is part of the process of becoming an independent adult.





I think the more restrictive and punitive the religious system around youth, the stronger the rebellion.


Better just give her some cold hard facts about certain actions and consequences, and YOUR RULES and then Lay the law.





*Be there to talk to her, and show interest in her favorites, and try some one on one time with her. Maybe have a certain family time each week, (I'm sure you (do)try, but make it manditory)


Be down to Earth with her and her troubles?





Good luck. I am the mother of 4 young children. When the times comes I will not have a issue with talking about anything. :) ALL you can do is ';prepare'; for whatever, I guess.
This can be a difficult age for teenagers. I have raised 4 of them and 1 gave me the run of my life.


I went through a lot of the same emotions that you are having, and it was not pleasant and was very hard on our family.


My advice to you is whatever plan you follow, love her. I still do not know if I did the exact right things, but I did all I could to keep my love for her alive so that our bond would be strong in the coming years.


She is now 25 and the mother of two cute girls and I am so happy that we are close. She is not an active member of the church, but is a good person and has a good husband. I am so happy for this every day and if it never gets any better than this, I am grateful. The outcome could have been so much worse.


Have a little talk to her about parents being people, too. I think kids hold us on such a pedestal that when we fall(your husbands depression) they just can't handle it. When they realize that people of importance are fallible, it will go a long way toward stabilizing her emotions about her dad who really needs her support right now.





Good luck, I know tough times could be ahead.
She difinately has some kind of problem that she's not comfortable with talking to U about. Is there someone within ur church that she trusts? If so see if they would be willing to spend a little bit of quality time with her. Sort of a mentor or something. U know as well as I do that God can do anything, so don't quit relying on HIM for answers to this problem too. He has the answer for every troubled times that comes into our lives. Be careful how U pray though. I've learned that as a Mother. And be her Mom %26amp; not her friend, that always helps. Kids need to know that they are cared for enough by their parents, that those parents will always have boundries in their home. That will be helpful to her as well. She needs to know that boundries are helpful %26amp; healthy to all in ur family %26amp; in her life. Well wishes %26amp; God bless
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. There's nothing harder than watching a child lose herself, but I'm going to give some possibly harsh, very blunt advice that I genuinely hope will help you.





First of all, I can understand why your husband leaving, even if just for a night, could affect her so badly. Even so, however, this has clearly gone beyond her father going away for a night. There's something more going on, whether it's drugs or emotional imbalances or something entirely different. I hope you can figure out what it is, but in the meantime, some words of advice:





In your question, you mentioned how close you once were and how perfectly obedient your daughter was. I'm sorry that she's changed so much, but you can't forget that she HAS changed. Your daughter is no longer that lovable child. She's a new person, and as hard as this is, you need to accept that and try to build a relationship with the person she is now. If you keep holding on to what she was like before, you're going to drive her farther away, and you're both going to be even more unhappy. Love her for who she IS, even if that's hard to do at the moment.





And the worst possible thing that you could do would be to let her ';go and do whatever she wants to do.'; You will lose her. Right now, even though she is fighting you, you're all the strength and guidance she has left. If you give up on her, she will be alone, and odds are, she won't make it.





I don't want to scare you, but I've been through this, and I know how serious it is. I have a brother who went completely off the deep end a few years ago, and he put our family through the same hell your daughter is putting yours through. He fought us over everything, caused an immeasurable amount of contention in our home, and nearly tore our family apart. He cursed us, tried to distance himself from us, even threatened suicide. He doubted God, doubted our love for him, doubted his own worth. He hit rock bottom, and only the fact that we were there, fighting him every step of the way and refusing to let him give up on himself kept him from becoming lost.





I realize that you don't have a lot of control over your daughter right now, but just the fact that you're there, even if she doesn't want you to be, gives you a little influence over her. You're still her parents, and as long as you refuse to let her go, she can't run that far. I know that you're understandably afraid of making things worse, but in all honesty, if you don't fight for her, she won't fight for herself, and then it WILL get worse!





Force her to join your family activities. Force her to go to counseling (including, and most importantly, counseling with the bishop and stake president), and I don't care if you have to literally tie her up and drag her. If she curses at you, embrace her. If she storms out of the house, follow her! It might not make a difference in the end, but you're going to need every advantage you can get.





And though this will also seem harsh, your husband needs to focus on your daughter right now. I understand that he's probably still grieving, but he has to put that aside and give all of his attention to her.





Whatever you do, don't ever stop telling your daughter that you love her, and don't ever stop trying to get through to her. You'll have arguments, you'll have her screaming at you, and you'll get tired and wish it would all just go away even if that means you lose her, but you absolutely cannot let up even for an instant! Include her as often as you can, surround her with her family members, and flat out tell her that you refuse to lose her even if it makes her hate you for awhile. She probably will hate you, but in the end, she's going to remember that you're there for her at the end of the day, that you were by her side no matter what she did to drive you away. That's what will reach her in the end--not your words, not your pleas, but your constant presence. Be there for her!





And as you're going through this, please don't forget to rely on the Lord yourself. You're going to need Him more than ever, so don't ever think that you're alone. He loves her even more than you do, so pray for her, fast for her, and let Christ and God be there for you as you're there for her.





Know, too, that you can get through to her. I almost came to hate my brother for a little while, but he's now turned completely around. He's served a mission, and while he still has his moments, I no longer have to lie awake, dreading what the new conflict the next day will bring. It's possible to get through this!
A real tough situation this is.. But it sounds like your daughter really needs to see a counselor. No one is perfect and it seems that she has put her father on a pedestal of some sort. I admit that I am often very critical of my own father and I am 27 years of age. I think he could do things so much better than he should . He doesn't do this or that and I get upset and wish he could be a better father. I've grown up at times feeling that my father although he always was around was AWOL in other ways. Your husband is in a position of authority and it's obvious that your daughter looks up to him. So him leaving like he did at that one time puts a whole crack in the family resolve that she once had.





She does need to see someone it could be more than just relationship with the family. It could be school, it could be friends etc. But she does need guidance and maybe she needs to have a father/daughter talk or counseling with him and her as well.
She's 17, let her go.





I stopped listening to my parents around that age too. Once they realized I wasn't 3 anymore and finally stopped fighting it, then my parents and I started to get along much better. I still live with my dad since I'm in college and it's saving money, and he does expect me to behave like any responsible adult, but other than that, I'm pretty much free to do whatever.





If he hadn't loosened up, I most certainly would not be living here with him. I actually graduated after 11th grade just so I could leave home sooner. That's how much I hated my parents and their constant need to control every tiny thing in my life.
This is a tough stage on parents. It sounds like your daughter's pulling away is a natural part of development. Kids at certain ages...2, teenage years separate themselves from their families and become more independent. She is growing up. Don't smother her and insist she do everything as a family. I would sit down with her and tell her you realize she is an independent person and discus what she can do (a few new freedoms would be great - ask her what is important to her) and what she can't do with her freedom. Let her know you still love her but realize she is growing up. You need to think about this first yourself so you can be okay with it when you talk to her. The funny thing is sometimes once kids get some freedom they sometimes see-saw back and forth between wanting some closeness with family and wanting independence. Remember we raise our children to leave us and be independent people who can stand on their own two feet.





Good luck.
i am over 40 and i remember being like that.


it will change after she gets a taste of real life.


it's a part of growing up and becoming her own person.


you've taught her values.


she'll be fine.





inhale......... and.................exhale. just remember to breath to keep calm. sometimes that's about all you can do.
I'm 15, and I know this may seem...insensitive. But your daughter needs to get a grip.








He left for a DAY, my dad has left for a week with the impression that he wasn't coming back.








I was mad, but I didn't just become rebellious and say ';You're dead to me.'; He could've stayed gone. Geeze, maybe he just needed to be alone. She needs to be more understanding.








I'm not perfect, at all. I can be rude, and well that's another story. I have issues. Major issues. But it took a lot more than my dad leaving for a while to turn me into the brat that I am.





Plus, I'm working on it. Nobody's perfect.





I think you need to explain, or her dad needs to, why he left.





I feel like it's more than that. I know what it feels like to want to be away from your family, but it just seems ridiculous for her to hate her dad for that!
She is at a stage that she feels she can express herself but it is actually a stage of self discovery. She needs a guiding light and you must help her find that.Part of the illumination is to come from you, that is why you are there. With or without your husbands depression, she is likely to find an excuse for trying to live her own way. You were once at this stage of her life. What are those things that helped you not to wander away? It might not be same with hers but because of peculiarities but definitely a process of self-discovery. She is going to be heading on the way that seems right to her until life (and everything that could explain it including you and your husband) convinces her otherwise.She is subconsciously scratching around for answers give her reason to know that life is beyond living for the now but a summation of time, faith, values/principles and desire or interest. You cannot force her into it but patiently guide. Never loose hope, it is natural for her to want to discover herself. Be focused in what you want to see in her and work towards that.
my dads friend has a daughter, when she was 16 she was all gothic, got a peirced tongue and dyed her hair purple with red highlights. Of course, i was 6 at the time, so /i was usally scared of her. her father is and was so nice, he used to work as a comedian, and now travels all around europe, and her mom works as a lawyer, i think. I walk to their house very often, thier super nice, and one day, I saw their daughter, without purple hair. She was a non-goth blonde, with a tan, and normal clothes! A few weeks later, we had a party at their house, i found out that she now bought her own house, is going to collage, and her boyfriend owns a reallt fancy restraunt. So, yeah. It's just this thing teens go through, some not as much. And for her, it is a depressing time. i remember being like that, the only reason i was like that was because i thought my parents didn't care, that they had no feelings for me, and were there to just yell at me. try talking about it. dont tell her to go sit bdecvause you need to have a ';talk'; with her, just bring it up while your washing the dishes or something. and that family therapy doesnt work because, she feels as if you dont care about her. hope this helps.
I'm 56 and Catholic and had almost the same experience with my child. The only answer is that you keep loving her- ALL THE WAY- whatever happens. Mine left as you said at 18 but after she's been roughed up she came back and she came to stay.


Good luck and God Help all of you.
well, it just seems like she has personal issues going on that she doesnt want you to know about.


this is just a sign that she is growing up and wanting to go off and do her own thing. she wants to explore life outside the nest and feels that she wants to be an individual instead of one of the family. let her have her space, she will come around.
she is a teenager this is very common at her age, trust me she will grow out of it. all teenagers go through this, hormones are the usual cause. as shes getting older she wants to be independent, she doesnt want to be treated like a kid (which at her age it will seem like she is) she wants to do her own thing etc, which is normal. but she doesnt need to disrespect her family either. i understand there have been difficult times as in any family, maybe she is also grieving her grandfather too? whatever the problem you need to tlak to her and get her to open up. perhaps she is depressed and needs councelling or wants to learn her own way in life. things will get better, you just need to be patient. taking privaliges does make it worse, speaking to her and being rational helps a lot. if you hit her hard by saying 'get on with your own life then, i wont do your washing or cooking etc' she will realise that she needs to stop having attitude towards you. sometimes all they need is a wake up call because they can often take things for granted. when i was a teen (not so long ago) i wasnt allowed to do anything, i was rarely allowed out with friends and when i did i had to lie and pretend to be doing something else. i resent my mum for that because if she let me experience more i wouldnt have spiraled out of control and started drinking etc. i did sort myself out because maturity when you get older does take over. i now have a 3 month old daughter with my partner that we planned. she will sort herself out but she needs her mums support right now, she wants you to understand her because she probably doesnt understand herself very well. good luck.
The problem is clearly started by the father walking out for that one day...He and the young woman need to talk and he needs to explain that he wasn't abandoning her, he just needed to grieve.
First the disclaimer: this is just my opinion, ok? Now, I'm thinking, find her a counselor that will let her talk without repeating everything she says. That might help. It sounds as if she's got some issues you don't see, and until they're dealt with, you have what you have. Having someone she trusts not to rat her out will help.
Friend, I deal with teenagers on a daily basis, and one of my nephews started acting up as soon as he turned 16, this was last year. Both my brother and sister in law kept insisting that he go to the counselor, and he did, it turned out that he was ';depressed'; and in need of attention, he also wanted to be heard as an adult and treated like one, which my sister and bro are trying to do, there are sometimes however, that he will try to pull off the ';but I am still a kid'; routine, and when that does happen they remind him that he wants to be treated like an adult and thus should behave like one.


In relation to my students, I can tell you that we girls are definitely much more complicated than men, if your daughter feels betrayed by her father it will take some time, patience and lots of love for those wounds to heal, it might be your position to act as a mediator, and listen to her but also try to explain what your hubby is going through, kids don't see parents as human beings most of the time (sounds weird, I know), they don't think we too have bad days and go through rough patches, so, she just needs to see her father as a human being, flawed and vulnerable, but getting her to realize that will be the tricky part.


My idea and phylosophy has always been to treat kids gently on the form but strictly in the message, make her feel loved but at the same time make her realize her mistakes gently but firmly.


I wish you all the luck on this issue...be patient, stay calm, don't force her every single time to participate but do insist from time to time.


Open your heart and let her open hers. She needs healing and so does the rest of the family.
It is natural for your daughter to seperate from parents. However,Your daughter needs to grow up-It is not up to her to forgive her father-It is between him and God. She is using that as an excuse to throw her attitude around. She thinks she has power all the sudden because she will soon be 18. Go with her plans tell her ';That will be good for you dear'; and turn around and walk away as if it doesn't bother you. If you ignore her threats then she will eventually stop threatening. Her only source of power is to hurt your feelings -Even if she succeeds don't let her in on it. Tell her the next time she says that ';Just let me know and I'll go get you a paper so you can search the want adds and apt. section-With this attitude I expect you out by the time your 18.';~~(Tough Love) It may take a few years for her to wake up -but she will eventually get over it. As far as her father leaving the family for a day-Tell her a daughter never leaves her father. The guilt goes both ways. There will be a day when she will feel like giving up -I bet he will be there for her. She will go whining to him because she knows she can. Your husband will have to back you up -By the WAY she is still 17 -She needs to be home when you say -Not the other way around -Your giving her too much freedom. It's called lock down -Grounding -What ever you want to call it. Force her to stay home-Get an Uncle or somebody as a body guard=and have a good family meeting. Set some new ground rules and don't show her your buttons because that is exactly what she is looking for.-Buttons -What Buttons? Good Luck -As parents you both need to toughen up, or you might lose her for a long time. This is your last chance.
Sister


Just tie a knot and hang on when you come to the end of your rope! Heavenly Father knows exactly what you are going through - and it may help to know that you are by no means unique in your predicament- my sister just faced this with her daughter'; We are thinking of writing a book a la ';The Three faces of Eve'; instead calling it The Exile of Meagan'; (her daughters name).





She's back now, married a wonderful man in the temple,no less, but put us all through the wringer before she did.My daughter's just getting into the teen years, and I am just trying to remember that there is nothing I will face today or tomorrow that God and I can't handle.





You are right, you don't control others, but you do control you, and can be there when she does turn back, in a year or even in three or.... you get the drift.I hope your hubby is doing better, and as for that scenario, if it was not that it would have been something else.
She's a ';Teenager';, and unfortunately, it is normal and most common.





I have a teenager of the same age, and you're describing this kid of ours. So don't be so upset, relax, and let it go, and Be There for her without Pushing to her religion, therapy, counsel, talks, etc. Because if you do so, you'll regret it later, and even worse, you might lose her. Just when they're turning 19 years old, then you'll see the change in her, a good change, because you ';might'; think she threw away everything you taught her, but no, that's still in her 'as part of who she is'. Right now she's conflicted because she's trying ';on her own'; to figure out many things: Who she is, where's she's going, what's important to her, etc.


And, as I tell my sister with the same problem: ';Remember: You daughter is Gone. She's Not At Home, and won't be back for Two more years but, don't you worry: They Come Back Home. Promise';.





In a sense it looks and kind of feels like you lose a child, but don't you worry, because it's most natural and normal, and when they're ready to come back home, they will. It is called being a Teenager, and remember my promise because they do come back home.


I've seen that for 'decades' while teaching and counseling Teenagers, so, do your best and be there for her but never push or preach into her.
let her go ,when she most need you shell come back to you besides once she turns 18 theres nothing you can do ,or at least for now try to get some help for her YES ! you can make her even if she dont wan to but its the least you can do while shes 17,your still her momma you raised her 17 years of your life and she can't just be ungrateful and walk away
remember - people of all ages rebel. If it's something simple like dress styles or hair colors - she'll be ok. most importantly - you show her that you love her unconditionally.





but I'm thinking she feels betrayed - and maybe unloved. you should talk with your husband and gently remind him that while losing your father is a hard thing because they passed on - it is even harder to lose them because they are so wrapped up in their own feelings that they forget you are there.





I'm guessing she has always depended on her dad to be the strong, supporting father - and he let her down. now she is struggling and wondering which anchors in her life are really anchors, and which other things might give away if she leans on them - as a result, she's going to show you all she doesn't need you.