I really need your help how do i move on?

I've been depressed a lot thought my teenage years. But back in June of 2009 I was raped by someone who I thought was a friend of mine. And it just made my depression worse. all I want to do is cut and cry my eyes out. I have nightmares about him all the time. Some times I'll even like wake up from having a dream about him and he'll be standing at the end of my bed by my closet. And every time i'm around a male expecally a black muscular male I freak out.





Before this I was molested by a family member (girl) and by one of my dad's best friends (guy). And I still to this day will see the guy's face every where I turn. I see him in my dreams and everything just like my rapist.





But here's the thing I'm having trouble just wanting to wake up in the mornings and just to be alive. I'm scared to be alone with someone in a small area for too long. I'm scared to even really let anyone close emotionally and physically. Before this I was a very touchy person I loved loved loved to be hugged and touched. Now I hate it. It actually makes me kinda mad when people touch me. But i don't know what to do, I really just want to give up and give in.





I've lost what little self respect I had. My self image was horrible before it now it's even worse and I don't know what to do. I'm just scared all around. And I haven't dealt. I've pretty much just been filling my time up so I don't half to deal with it. And now it's affected every Single part of my life, my work life, my home life, my school life and even my relationships. With family and non-family. Even with people I've known my whole life. I even some times freak out when I have a black male customer come in to my restaurant. And to even try to help me I've picked up smoking cigarettes again and I'm just finding that I had the smell. But don't mind smoking. And I've given up all drugs I use to take. I just really need some advice. I just don't know what to do please help me!





And please please please don't tell me to go see a therapist I'm already working on that. I'm still a minor and I don't live with either of my parents. I'm trying to get emancipated right now. So please don't say that. Soon as I am able I'm going to go back to see her.I really need your help how do i move on?
That is missed up what you had to go thru. Everybody goes thru some things, I went thru real missed time a few years back and the only thing that would make me feel at peace inside was Jesus Christ. I know its hard to understand, especially when you've been thru something like you have, but you just have to trust Him. Praying was the only thing that took away the pain. You can't have doubt in your heart when you do.I really need your help how do i move on?
I'm really sorry you went through all of this, it's a terrible thing to endure and I can relate on a small level. When I was a boy I was molested by a friend of my family and it messed me up for some time. You said you have lost respect for yourself, listen, you never asked for any of this to happen and it's not your fault. There is no self respect to be lost by inaction on your part. You said you got raped in June this year and your asking what is wrong with you? That's a traumatic experience for anyone and something like that will take time to heal. Trusting will be hard but if you find someone that truly loves you they will understand, wait and not pressure you for physical contact.





Hang in there, try and concentrate on family and friendships cause they really are important and maybe share your feelings with them.





Give it time