I have absolutely nothing positive in my mind right now...?

Im a 15 year old guy...and alot has been going on lately for me and its been confuseing...there was this girl i really care about more than your average crush...than theres school and family and so many other things going through my mind...things were starting to become brighter withh all of those things listed above...than out of no where it happened again...see i have a really negative outlook on life...





i dont see much of the positive things unless i have a positive song on and than i start to see peoples smiles...but i cant have music on all the time...so basically im becomeing more and more negative as the days go by...





and this has all happend before in the end i started babbling on about the darkness comeing to take me over and i was locked in my houe aside from occasional trips to the video store for the entire summer...im noticeing it happen again im avoiding my friends...i have everyone except the girl i really like and her brother blocked on msn...





and the part that gets me paranoid is the memories begin to torture me ill be sitting here and ill remember something...like my old bestfriends who moved and i start to get really upset than more and more flash in my mind till i just want to keel over...i dont have much to be positive about in life right now..





im not popular so not many friends, i cant get a girlfriend no matter how hard i try because im to messed up in the head to interest any girl... my dads ashamed of me and constantly trys to control what i enjoy and what i do with my life...sure he's aloud to care about school...but when im worried about him seeing me looking at a tradeing card or something because he'll think im being childish its a tad far...





everyone and i mean everyone disrespects me cant even sit on the bus without someone behind me i dont even know doing something to embaress me...and family does it to only they yell or dont exactly show themselves very much in my life...basically im alone...im alone while i sit here and pick at myself till i have nothing left...i hate myself...i really do...i have absoloutly no qualities i like about myself...if i was another person right now id probally shoot me...i hounestly cant tell you a trait i like about myself...





and because of that if i make a mistake i not only get picked at by everyone around me but i pick at myself over and over till it gets to the point where i start becomeing strange ill act out these twitches and such for attention even though i dont want to i just want to be normal...i start to scream and attack people laugh over stupid things...swallow quarters and fall over drueling...i wont stop till either someone makes me snap out of it by makeing me think about my actions...considering the fact my mind shuts down or i hit my head of something no matter how much i dont want to spazz ojut like that once i pick at myself till a certain point it just happens and i forget who i am...this all happens because i tear myself to peices on a daily bases and i have absoloutly nothing in my mind to find positive...





all i am is this shroud of negativity no wonder im not well liked i just kill everyones mood or make them angry...and than i just get mad at myself for being liek that in the first place...its a constant cycle and it wont go away...





my head hurts right now because its comeing...that metaphorical darkness is comeing and im going to drift away again...i dont know what to do...please give me something to work with heere im gettin paranoidI have absolutely nothing positive in my mind right now...?
Wow, that must be a tough position to be in. I like the porn idea (kinda funny) but I think there are some simple things you can do that would turn yourself around.





First it sounds like you just need someone to anchor you into reality. Someone to talk to on a regular basis or to just vent to without judgement and without criticism. It seems like you have some negative things going on in your life that may lead to the negative thoughts. Parents at home, your own self-image, school, family, etc can get overwhelming after a while. Do you keep a journal or diary? I know it may sound silly but a lot of times people bottle up emotions until they explode or overflow causing ';the darkness'; as you call it. Writing things down may be a simple way to let some of those overwhelming emotions out so you don't constantly think about them.





Next you can make a list of good things in your life. This one is kinda tough because with your mindset right now you may not see many good things, but trust me, they are there. Start with simple things like eating your favorite cereal or being able to get on the internet (and look up that porn). You still talk with this smokin' hot girl that you like so that is good, too. Keep trying to add to that list and review it every day.





Finally my quick advice to you is to find ways to release endorphins in your brain. Endorphins are the brain's ';Happy Chemical'; and can really change your mood over time. I'll attach a link of 10 good ways to get out those endorphins WITHOUT USING DRUGS! Don't do drugs. Instead smile. Even if you don't feel like smiling, there is a world of study out there that suggests that if you smile for about five minutes straight you will trick your brain into being happy. Kind of like muscle memory.





You can also do good things for others. It is called the Do-good feel-good phenomenon. Basically the more you make people feel good, the better you will feel.





Anyway, I hope that helps. It is good that you are trying to get a hold on this dark feeling and negative mind set that you have. That is a step in the right direction.I have absolutely nothing positive in my mind right now...?
The yardstick adopted by you for such self-analysis may be old. That may be the reason.
watch some porn or let laid orr....both!
First of all don't hate yourself. We all go through rough patches and it seems like you think you're going through more than a rough patch. Try looking at the bright side of things. At least you're alive and well. Why don't you start there and build from that. It's an awful thing to say you hate yourself. It's basically saying you hate God for making you this way. Look at your situation compared to those in Haiti right now who've lost their families or their whole ways of life. You're real lucky to be a healthy individual right now - embrace it. Thank God for it. And just work through the pain you're going through now, but you'll be so much happier when you're out of school.
To the contrary, you apparently can write about your feelings and doing it very well. All what you mentioned is sometimes tough to deal especially when you can not share with some one who is close to you or can understand. I grew up in a very rural area no friends or neighbors. You are lucky at least you have some good MUSIC to change your mood. I ignore people I don't care about and have my own things I think is important to me. Those are the things that make you who you are. Don't let others try to get you down. So have you ever thought of writing novels? Have you ever read any Dean Koontz books? He has a neat way of expressing himself through other character's. check it out (Odd Thomas is one of my favorite, He even has a highly Intelligent dog In a few of his books) Many writers have started just like you. Try to write a short story about a day of your life, you could change the story so you end up as a hero, a lover or a secret agent. what ever you want, you can find it in your story. Then read it over and correct the spelling, change a few words and presto you have a short story. I hope it all works out, If not, don't be afraid to ask for professional help.
I feel the exact same way about everything you just said right now. There is nobody in the world right now who respects me and I get talked down to all the time by the people I call my friends. I'm the disappointment of my family because my grades just don't add up to my parent's insanely high standards and I've rejected my religion.


First off, don't hate yourself, you're awesome just the way you are and don't let anybody tell you otherwise.


Second, don't vie for attention in that way, you're only hurting yourself.


Third, the day will come when you can leave all this behind you and move and have a new start.


If you wanna talk, feel free to email me.