READ THE INTRO OF MY STORY AND CRITIQUE IF YOUR IN TO THINGS SUCH AS NAURTO AVATAR HARRY POTTER INYuSHA N SUCH

:Long, long ago when the earth was still new, humanity had an


extraordinary


ability. There were extremely powerful. In fact the average human being





could lift a thousand times their body weight. But the masters, the


masters


were a whole different story. Every 25,000 years a Fighting tournament


would


take place. Participants included ten thousand fearless competitors.


After


the first match 5,000 were eliminated, 5,000 moved to the next round.


2500


were eliminated 2500 moved on. Matches would take place until the last


ten





men standing would become the masters. The current masters would mark


future


masters with the sign of nobility. Once they were marked they would go


in


the sacred chambers and discuss the worlds current issues. One time an


argument took place and the Masters had a serious disagreement. The


disagreement was kept silent amongst the masters. However as a result


one


master was extremely angry and left the sacred chambers. Then something





Unexpected happened when he punched the Earth People went shifting








Everywhere





the place where my ancestors were shifted





the terrain was a maze. God Shapkana appeared to them and said ';you


are


only using 25% of your mind, learn how to utilize the other 75% and you


will


find your way out this maze'; and so my forefathers did. We lost our


super


Strength but developed a new power with our brain power, we were able


to


levitate ourselves and other inanimate things. When master Rahman


punched


the ground those living in the center temple stayed and kept their


super


strength. My people are the mindktom. The super strength people are


bodyktom and they attacked my forefathers when they least expected it.


They


once attacked my forefathers temples and destroyed everything. That's


why I


fight in this war, for the honor and respect for my ktom. The people


who


shifted west are our enemies to us. They developed a power to disappear


and


strike you a thousand times and reappear in a blink of an eye. They


think


their gift is superior to ours that is why we are at war with them. We


will


show that WE ARE SUPERIOR .READ THE INTRO OF MY STORY AND CRITIQUE IF YOUR IN TO THINGS SUCH AS NAURTO AVATAR HARRY POTTER INYuSHA N SUCH
well i read it.


it could use some work.


like i found some grammatical errors but besides that your intro is pretty legible





anyway the story was a bit over the top


you exaggerate way to much!


its kind of hard to imagine 10,000 fighters in a tournament.





telekinesis and the power to disappear is extremely unoriginal.


think of something differentREAD THE INTRO OF MY STORY AND CRITIQUE IF YOUR IN TO THINGS SUCH AS NAURTO AVATAR HARRY POTTER INYuSHA N SUCH
wow that was stupid and it sounded like i was reading an esay it sucked really bad and i didnt even read it all because i got bored that was stupid boring and it sucked so ya it needs alot of work srry
I am wondering how old you are. (?)





Is this the beginning of a book or a short story?





You are using very large numbers. Having a contest every 25,000 years seems a little impractical. Every four or five years would be more logical. What type of tournament do they participate in? Is it like the Olympics or do they fight in war games. Discussing ';current'; affairs every 25,000 years does not seem the best way to govern a world.





What does the Master ';punch'; to cause the Earth People to ';shift';? What do you mean by ';shift';? Do people wander in a maze for years? What is the maze made of? Are they with their families? What do they eat? Are there monsters within the maze?





I think you could have a neat story with a little work. You should slow down and let us know a little about your world. Let us know some of the people. There is not a lot to care about at this point. The characters are what make a story worth reading. Don't just rely on ';powers';. Even wonderful powers can be boring to read about if we don't have a person to care about.





You have a good imagination, now all you need is practice to get it all down in a readable form. Not easy, it takes a lot of work. Don't be discouraged, keep writing. I hope to read more from you in the future.





Rosie