What do you think, answer honestly?

I'm currently writing a story, actually a series, and i'm halfway through the first book. I'm only 13, so it's probably not the best, but i'm hoping to be a writer in the future...so do you think I have potential? This was taken out of the fifth chapter.





The next morning as I ate breakfast with my aunt, she gave me news that I never expected, and unfortunately the news that shattered the emotionless barrier I worked so hard to put up in my mind all morning.


“John called this morning, we’re moving tomorrow instead of next month, but your dad’s friend has offered to let you move in with them while we find someplace else for you to live,” She softly told me.


She stared at me, as if waiting for a reply, but seeing that she wasn’t getting one, she continued, “I know that you would rather go back to live your mom and Samantha, they would like that too, but before you’re dad passed away he gave me specific orders to never let you go back there, I don’t know why, but that’s what he told me.”


She looked at me, still waiting for a response from, so I took a deep, shaky breath and tried to speak without breaking into tears.


“Ok, so when do I move in with dad’s friend?”


“Today, this afternoon we’ll move your things to his house,” my aunt replied, her eyes were brimming with unshed tears.


I couldn’t speak without breaking down, so I just smiled tightly and nodded.





After breakfast with my aunt, which wasn’t so much a breakfast as it was an hour of staring at the wall wishing dad was still alive and blaming ourselves for his death, I returned to my room, changed and did my makeup, and packed my things into boxes.


I took one last look around the room and began carrying the boxes downstairs and into my aunt’s car.


As I was walking down the stairs I heard voices talking in the kitchen. I paused in the middle of the staircase to listen.


“Why? What’s going on?” My aunt asked in a concerned voice.


“Just trust me,” a man’s voice firmly replied.


“How can I trust you if you’re not even going to tell me why your refusing to let me drive my niece to your house?”


He took a deep breath and said in a voice that sounded like he was having a hard time to not yell at her, “I can’t explain right now, but I promise you that I will explain everything as soon as I can, but for right now you’re just going to have to trust me.”


A bag dropped out of my left hand and fell down the stairs.


My aunt and dad’s friend looked up and noticed me standing there, and i’m sure they knew I was listening to them arguing.


“Um, hi, I’m just-” I motioned towards the stairs, and finished walking, feeling watchful eyes with evil plans following my every move, or maybe I was just paranoid.What do you think, answer honestly?
It's not bad at all, but remember ';show not tell';. Don't tell us you weren't expecting the news, show your surprise. Don't tell us you were shattered, show us your tears (actually you already do this, all you need do is take out the telling). Don't tell us someone's being concerned, have them ask a question which makes them sound concerned. And so on. Telling and not showing is bad. Countersinking (telling AND showing) is also bad.What do you think, answer honestly?
you're 13? it was great!