Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Getting Over it. It's really long and kinda twisted. But I'd really like some input. Just speak your mind?

Ok so, I'm crying now.





Nothing really happened, except I'm trying to work on getting over things so that I can move on and grow up.





So first up, I began trying to figure out when things went down hill with my mom. I isolated it to when I was 14.





When I was 14 I was suicidal. I remember picking up knives and staring at them. Thinking about how it would feel to just slit my wrist or plunge it into mysef. I would pick up pills, bottles of toxic stuff (clorox, peroxcide, ect.) and think about taking it.





I would stare off into space all the time and just think about death. Wanting it to be over. I got to being scared of being alone because it felt like these voices in my head would overwhelm me, just wanting me to off myself. I'd jump at shadows thinking it was a serial killer come to kill me.





That's just some of the things I went to through when I was 14.





I realized at the time, that I was in need of help. So I went to my mom. I tried to talk to her the best I could. I told her that I was thinking about death all the time and that it scared me.





She told me that I was in control of my own thoughts and to get over it.





I tried again. She quickly changed the subject. I called her on it and she shrugged me off saying that that I kept saying the same things to her and again, that I needed to get over it.





The following year, my parents were fighting all the time and I was her rock. She told me everything, again and again. I listened, let her talk, even gave her advice. I never told her she kept saying the same things, never pushed her away until a few months later when she used me against my dad.





My aunt had been saying horrible things about my dad and I went to go rant about her to my mom, and she agreed! We had it out and afterwards I stormed off crying into my bathroom. My dad got home a few minutes later and my mom relied our conversation from a skewed viewpoint.





Basically blaming the fact that I was crying and upset on him. She blamed everything on him. So he, yelling, asked her if she wanted him to leave. If that's what it took to make us happy.





I don't think I've ever forgiven my mom for that. Any of that, btw, my parents are still together.





So that's when my disagreements with my mother really started.





What kills me is how much I have done to protect her. When I was seven my great grand father died. He was like my mom's dad and we were both there when it happened. Instead of forcing my mom to care for my grief, I ran off so she could have time for herself.





I wish I hadn't. After that my twisted obsession with death really started, and I was only seven.





I saw death everywhere. My stuffed animals were possessed by the devil and were going to kill me. Rapture was going to happen while I was in the shower and everyone I loved was going to be taken to Heaven, but me because I was such a wicked horrible child.





Someone was going to break into the house and kill me while my mom slept. A demon was going to appear and drag me to hell. I was going to be smothered in my sleep. Monsters were going to appear in the dark and kill. Voices started going off in my head telling me that if I didn't step in the right places, grab things at certain times, or I'd die.





I lived my childhood in complete fear and I couldn't/wouldn't tell my parents because they had enough to deal with without adding me to their list.





Also, for some reason, from the age of about three, I had these horribly violent sexual dreams which I refuse to go into. But because of them, I've always wondered if something happened to me that I just blocked out. Because I don't understand why I would have had those awful dreams starting from such an early age.





When I was 12, I decided to get over my fear of the dark by locking myself in my unlit bathroom and staying in there for thirty minutes. They experiance more than terrified me as I was hit with a million things that told me I was going to die. However, the experiance told me that no matter what my brain, pulse, everything told me, I wasn't going to.





I also started having panic attacks when I was seven. Those were horrible, still are, but I have them better under control now.





I also had an immense fear of being left alone, because that's when things were worse. But I was, always. My mom slept during the day and my dad went to work. They didn't understand why them leaving me left me so petrified.





They didn't help me. They didn't try. They couldn't see what was going on.





So yeah, I had a perfect childhood. Just wonderful.





I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest now. I feel so much better letting it all out and letting it go. Please don't think less of me, okay? I'm not really like that anymore. I've overcome a lot of it, by myself.





You know I was always raised that when I girl is in trouble a white knight will always come to her rescue. But I've never really had one. Oh, okay, maybe once, but he practically ran away from me.Getting Over it. It's really long and kinda twisted. But I'd really like some input. Just speak your mind?
You need to speak to a mental health professional. I am one, and I see signs of depression, anxiety and possible other problems. You didn't say how old you are now, but if you're still in school, go talk to your school social worker, guidance counselor or someone you trust to get you hooked up with a therapist.





I'm sorry your mom wasn't there for you and didn't take you seriously. She let you down. In time, I hope you can find a way to put it behind you, if not forgive her. I'm glad you were able to let your feelings out here, but you need someone to help you work through them on an ongoing basis. You don't have to be alone.





No white knight is going to rescue you... but you can find rescue for yourself. This is the first step- telling someone. Good job... Keep going.Getting Over it. It's really long and kinda twisted. But I'd really like some input. Just speak your mind?
Alright lets put it this way. You are a very bright girl, the reason being, you faced your fear about the dark, thats the way i see everything, if your scared of something, face it face to face.





and im sorry to hear about your parents, and i actually last night i went into a huge depression about some very bad things. I got over it, i went for a walk and thought of ways i can turn this into somethng good. you may not think im making any sense, but to be honest this issue ur having is related to ';Mind over MAtter'; and there are things that you just wont get over, you just have to put them on the bottom of your list of things to think about and move on with the more important things in life..

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